Words.. from a scattered brain.

“So how is motherhood going?” 

Well……. There is only 1 day left in October and I’ve been meaning to write for months now but haven’t found the time or energy to piece my words together. 

The summer and fall have flown by. The winter is coming and I can honestly say I’m not looking forward to it. This summer wasn’t much of an enjoyable summer either. Being a new mom comes with its challenges but being a new grieving mom along with a side of vertigo/ dizziness and intense postpartum emotions is beyond challenging. Unfortunately I’ve still been dealing with inner ear issues which has caused me to not be able to even wear Jett in a carrier since I’m afraid I will lose my balance. This also limits me from going places most days as it’s very uncomfortable to walk around. I’ve been working on treating it which has helped but I can’t say it’s not frustrating. On top of that are the crazy hormones that I’m dealing with after having 2 back to back pregnancies. So many changes in my body along with the trauma of last year which I’m shocked at how much it can affect you physically. Again, slowly but surely we’re in the process of dealing with this. Also, being puked on, peed on and spat on is not exactly that glamourous either. 

I’ve also had to face the dreadful questions like “is this your first?”. On top of already being so exhausted from new mom sleep deprivation, I usually always answer with “yes” instead of explaining my first born. It’s always so tough finding the right words on the spot. This will be a life long thing I will have to learn how to do. And learn how to say it right. I’ve had some people refer to Jett as my first born child which is also always tough to hear sometimes and was the one thing I feared would happen. That Jubi would be forgotten. Sigh… It’s not easy being a grieving mom. 

My life consists of always trying to find joy in each day yet my heart is more empty than it was yesterday because I’m farther away from my memories with her. Grieving moms always have to try to find a way to honour their child who has passed as well as not focus too much on the passing since death makes people feel uncomfortable. I was once that person who never wanted to talk about dying kids because it never had happened to me. I didn’t have to worry about it. Unfortunately, we don’t get to choose who loses a child and who doesn’t. That’s the scary part. 

I often look back at pictures, since they’re all I have left. I can remember her smell in some of the photos, the way she’d turn her head and yawn. Some days it feels like I’m living in a parallel world with what has been and what is now. 

What is now is that I am the mother of a 6 month old who is very active, doesn’t sleep through the night yet, and cries when I put him down. Shouldn’t I be thankful I have a live baby now though? And that he’s healthy? Sure. But I can be thankful at the same time as being frustrated and tired. 

Watching Jett grow is exciting but painful. It’s painful because of the longing of not seeing Jubi and him grow together. I already miss 10 Christmases from now, 10 birthdays from now and even 10 school years from now. What it would be like is something I will never know. And that is the most painful part of being a parent to a rainbow baby. 

My thoughts are so scattered (can’t ya tell?) mostly because I’m tired and I haven’t written in months, so I try to say everything I can in one post. 

But that’s impossible. There aren’t enough words in this world that explain how much I long for my baby girl. 

So how motherhood is going for me is far different than it’ll go for most. Not all, but most. 

Until then, I’ll be looking forward to the day where there will be light and hope again.