She’s home.

Note; this is a scattered post. My brain is still processing everything. This post contains details about Jubi’s passing. 

For those who have been following on my Facebook, you know now that our Jubilee went to be with God in heaven on Sunday July 17th at 2:34am. It has been a really intense week and I feel somewhat of a sense of relief now that the worst is over. I’m writing this from Jamaica as we are on vacation. 

The week of her passing, she wasn’t doing great. I noticed some changes in her that happened daily quickly. She was becoming more irritable than usual and more uncomfortable. She would have more de-sats than usual and her heartbeat was becoming more irregular. On Tuesday July 12th, she had some blood work done. They found that her Co2 (carbon dioxide) levels were much higher than normal. For some reason, in my heart I was believing that they would have lowered by now and when I heard this news, all I did that day was cry. And when I had finished, I cried some more. It was a turning point in my heart and I began to realize that things were not getting better. That same night, Jubi had a crying fit herself. She has never cried so much in her life and she would not stop for about an hour. It was like she knew how I was feeling and she responded to my emotions. In a strange way, we bonded that day on a new level. We both knew we had to let each other go soon. 

During her last few days, her heart continued to show signs of weakening by having more irregular heartbeats. It was killing me to see my baby struggle to settle. All she wanted was to be held. Day and night. So that’s what we did. On the night before her passing, I stayed at the hospital the entire night and held her. She would refuse being put down. She clang to me and slept on my chest. I got 40 minutes of sleep that night but now I know it was worth every waking moment since it would be among my last with her. They say moms just know and that night, I definitely knew to stay with her. I wasn’t sure why at the time, but now it all makes sense why I did. 

The following day, which was unknowingly her last, was a hard one. I was on barely any sleep and when I was going to go lay down, Jubi had the biggest heart block I had ever seen her have. This one lasted a couple minutes. Her heartbeat was jumping around from her normal to low and then back high again. The whole time this was happening, she was sleepy and at peace. But the team of doctors, myself, nana and Elijah were all a bit concerned. Her heart finally stabled out again and things became calm once more. I walked out of the room shaken up. I then remembered these sweet words that God has said to us: “I will never give you more than you can handle” I was holding onto the hope in this and beginning to find relief knowing that this would all be over soon. 

It wasn’t a coincidence that we had been talking to the quality of life Doctor this day. We were trying to decide what our next step would be with Jubi, since we realized that a shift had happened that week. Those who know about palliative care know that those kinds of conversations are unbearably hard to have, especially when it’s about your own child. We were trying to come to a place where we could decide what Jubi’s comfort would look like. By this point, we had already decided to give her small amounts of pain medication to calm her when she was uncomfortable. This was such a hard decision for me but it was becoming harder to watch my girl suffer. 

As the Saturday went on, I felt as though I was walking on egg shells. It was Eli’s birthday that day and I had plans to surprise him with a ride in a Ferrari. I went on with our plans as Eli’s mom Jen stayed with Jubi when we were not there but it was hard to focus, knowing that her heart had such a big dip. Throughout that day, her heart continued to swing. It was her letting us know that the end was near. We got a call that evening as we were out for dinner for Eli’s birthday. The nurse told us to come quick because she had began to have another heart block. We rushed over and by the time we got there, her heart had settled out again. She lay there, as peaceful as ever. She had a peace this whole day that we did not have in the same way. She knew her time was near. 

It was around 9pm and Eli went home to grab a couple things as we had decided to stay at the hospital that night due to her condition. I picked her up from her bed and placed her on my chest. She lay there, so still and so peaceful. My eyes had been glued to the monitors for the last 2 months but in this moment, I looked away and whispered in her ear these words;

“Mommy loves you so much. But Jesus loves you more. So it’s ok, you can go be with Him now” 

These words stung so much to say but I knew that her time was close and I needed her to know that she did not have to be strong for me anymore. I needed her to know that it was ok for me for her to let go. A peace came a pon me like never before as I spoke those words to her. 

Eli came back as well as Eli’s parents Ron& Jen. We had informed them what had happened that evening and they decided to stay the night with us& jubi. Our plan that night was for us to get some sleep since I was still running off of 40 minutes from the Friday night. Jen got settled in to hold Jubi and Eli and I left around 12:30am to try to lay our heads for a bit. Before we left, I kissed Jubi and told her I loved her. She needed to hear love as much as she could. 

All was calm for a while. I managed to snag about an hour of sleep before we got the final phone call. 

It was Ron, who told us that she had had another dip. I sent Eli into her room first to see what was going on. He quickly called me and told me to come now. My heart sank. I knew that she was dying. I paced back and forth in the room trying to catch my breath and finally managed to make my way over. 

The doctors, nurses, in laws and my husband were all standing around her when I got there. She was laying there, so peacefully as her body slowly became lifeless. When I got there, she still had a heartbeat but it was very slow.  I leaned over and kissed her and told her I loved her one last time. Her heart then stopped. In that moment, I heard a calming voice in my right ear whisper so clearly to me. This voice said, “she’s with me now”. This voice was Jesus. 

Away she went. Back to her eternal home. She was at peace and oddly enough, so was I. 

My body was reacting to the moment we were in and I was shaking from the shock. It all happened so fast. But ever so peacefully. We quickly analyzed what had happened and it was that she went into cardiac arrest, right in her sleep. It couldn’t have been more peaceful for her to go. God made it easy for us and her. In her nana’s arms, she flew away home. 

Although my heart began aching in a way that I had never experienced before, I was rejoicing and celebrating her life. I was and still am so happy that she is free, healed and fully whole, not lacking anything. No more monitors, no more vigon, she has an esophagus! A fully healed heart! She IS healed. 

My mommy heart will never be full again as long as I live because I won’t have her physically here with me anymore. I will walk through painful moments to come from missing her so much. But I know that she is exactly where she needs to be. And soon, I’ll be there with her too. 

The significance of her life will continue to unfold as we live out her legacy. 9 weeks on earth, a sign of completion. Just like a mother will carry a child for 9 months before its time to give birth. 

She left us at 2:34am, reminding me of psalms 23:4-

“Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.”

She ran out of breaths on July 17th, but now she lives forever.  

I love you, my baby girl.