30 days later

Happy one month to our sweet Jubilee. I can’t believe it’s already been a month since she came into our lives. She really has taught me so much in a month. She continues to melt our hearts every single day with her presence. 

A couple days ago, they started her on a dose of medication that will help drain the fluid retention in her body. We are trying to make her as comfortable as we can right now. 

This morning, we got the phone call that I had been dreading since our journey started. Our nurse called us to let us know that Jubi’s heart beat started to beat irregular and that her oxygen saturations had dropped. Although she came back up in her oxygen, her heart rate had dropped to lower than normal. We rushed in to the hospital to find them doing some heart testing on her. She now seems to be okay but continues to have the odd irregular heartbeats. She is also quite jaundiced from her liver failing. We have yet to speak to the doctor about our options at this point. 

Jubi seems to be comfortable at this moment and in daddy’s arms. I was holding her this morning. She seemed different. She was very at peace in my arms. She was looking at me and smirking now and again. It’s in these moments she makes me believe that there’s nothing wrong with her at all. She seems more at peace with everything than I am. 

I’m glad she is not irritated in anyway right now. However, inside I am breaking, knowing that these could be our final moments with her. The hard thing is that we really don’t know. It’s hard to say when the doctors and monitors are saying one thing and then I look at her, and she looks so perfect and healthy. 

I still want to believe she will be with us for at least a couple more days but honestly, it won’t change the way I feel about losing her. I’m praying to God that if she does go soon, she goes in His comforting peace. They can give her morphine for comfort but I really don’t want my child dying on a heavy drug. I would much rather her go in God’s comfort. 

We had a lot of visitors come by yesterday. Jubi was much stronger yesterday than she is today. I’m thankful lots of lovely friends got to meet her while she was doing good. 

This whole journey will never be easy to process or come to terms with. My heart is trying so hard to prepare for the best and worst outcome. I feel pulled in both directions by really wanting to have the extreme faith everyone else has for her right now and also the realistic side of what her body is showing us it’s doing. I’m torn. I feel like God is literally the only one who can understand my complex mothers heart right now. 

This might be a bold statement to say but I am starting to understand more of what God must have felt like when He chose to give up His son for the sake of the world. He had to watch His son die. 

I may have to watch my daughter die. But one thing I do know is that  her life has been a miracle to witness. We are still believing for a greater miracle to be done but if Jubi is what God has given us for this time to teach us more about Him then I will be forever grateful. 

She will get her healing. Whether it’s here on earth or in heaven, she will be healed. This I know for sure.